MIGHTY DUCKLINGS

INT. LESTER AVERMAN’S BASEMENT – SCHOOL NIGHT

CHARLIE CONWAY AND LESTER AVERMAN ARE LOCKED IN A DEEP DISCUSSION WITHIN AVERMAN’S SUBURBAN MINNESOTA BASEMENT. EVERY SURFACE IS LINED WITH PICTURES OF THE AVERMAN FAMILY, PLAQUES AND TROPHIES FROM VARIOUS SCIENCE FAIR COMPETITIONS, AND COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF JUDAICA. WE JOIN THEM MID-CONVERSATION. CHARLIE IS UNHAPPY, AND AVERMAN IS POSSESSED WITH UNQUENCHABLE ANTI-SEMITISM.

AVERMAN
If you read the Protocols of the Elders of Zion you’d understand Charlie.

CHARLIE
I just don’t hate anyone. I love my mom, my teachers, and everyone in Minneapolis. How could you not?

AVERMAN
But why do you think there’s so much poverty on earth?

CHARLIE
(beginning to worry)
I-I don’t know, capitalism?

AVERMAN
Because of the Jewish agenda, that’s why! If we don’t systematically destroy International Jewry, we’ll be slaves to it forever.

CHARLIE LOOKS AROUND. HE TURNS HIS BACK TO AVERMAN AND STARES AT SOME OF THE JUDAICA.

CHARLIE
(slight stammer)
But Averman, you’re a Jew.

SILENCE.
CHARLIE
Averman?

A HOCKEY STICK STRIKES CHARLIE IN THE HEAD. EVERYTHING GOES BLACK.

CUT TO CHARLIE SUSPENDED TWO FEET FROM THE FLOOR. HE’S TIED TO THE BASEMENT CEILING BY ROLLS AND ROLLS OF ELECTRICAL TAPE. A BEVY OF LIT MENORAHS FORM A GIANT SWASTIKA ON THE FLOOR, ROASTING HIM ALIVE.

CHARLIE
(in pain, barely able to speak through the heat)
Averman, don’t do this! Don’t ruin both our lives just because you’re Jewish. Just let me down.

AVERMAN
(with palpable regret)
I wish I could Charlie, I really wish I could. But you shouldn’t call me Jewish. This is what happens.

AVERMAN GOES OVER TO CHARLIE, AND STARTS PRESSING ON HIS BACK TO STRETCH THE ELECTRICAL TAPE COCOON CHARLIE IS ENTRAPPED IN EVER CLOSER TO THE GIANT MENORAH SWASTIKA.

CUT TO THE STREET. GORDON BOMBAY DRUNKENLY CAREENS INTO THE AVERMAN YARD IN HIS CORVETTE, THEN CRASHES THE CAR THROUGH THE BASEMENT WINDOWS! THE NOSE OF THE CORVETTE CUTS SOME OF THE TAPE, AND CHARLIE AND AVERMAN TUMBLE ONTO THE CEMENT BASEMENT FLOOR, PUTTING OUT MOST OF THE MENORAHS ON IMPACT. GORDON LEANS OUT AN OPEN WINDOW WITH A MARTINI IN HAND. EVERYONE CHECKS TO MAKE SURE THEY’RE OK.

GORDON BOMBAY
Please don’t say anything about this.

AVERMAN, CHARLIE AND GORDON LOOK AT EACH OTHER, THEN ORGANICALLY BURST INTO LAUGHTER. GORDON ABANDONS THE CAR AND RUNS AWAY.

AVERMAN
I’m sorry, Charlie. Friends forever?

CHARLIE
(smiles)
Friends forever.

THEY SHAKE ON IT.